Aging Disgracefully

Subject: FW: State's Coach search short list

"I have obtained the official NC State booster club's list of potential
coaches, and the odds of each guy becoming the new coach, as they see
it.

Potential Candidate, Odds that we choose him for the job, and Pros and
Cons:

John Wooden: 2-1. Pros: Won a lot in the past, almost as much as NC
State.
Obviously would jump at the chance to coach a perennial powerhouse like
NC State. Cons: Old. Hasn't won much recently, should we settle for
that?

Mike Kryszewski: 3-1. Pros: Would clearly jump at the chance to move up
to a higher visibility program. Intimidates refs, so we would get all
the calls with him. Cons: Is Satan.

Dean Smith: 4-1. Pros: Understands the biggest rivalry in sports, NC
State/Carolina. We would get all the calls if we had him. Cons:
Dominated
at State- as a coach of an opposing team.

Adolph Rupp: 5-1. Pros: won a lot in the past, almost as much as NC
State.
Would appeal to rednecks in fanbase, which is just about everyone. Cons:

dead.

Red Auerbach: 6-1: Pros: Won a lot in the NBA. Smoking cigars would go
over well with tobacco state's fanbase. Cons: Unproven at the college
level.

Jim Calhoun: 6-1. Pros: would love to move up to this job, wins a lot,
no problem with players getting caught stealing stuff. Cons: Connecticut
Yankee.

Bob Knight: 7-1. Pros: Would obviously take the job in a heartbeat.
Fans
would enjoy his lively personality and humor. Cons: hasn't won enough to
be considered a leading candidate for a job this important. Possible
backup

plan if first choices don't interview well.

Pat Riley: 7-1. Pros: would fit in well in cosmopolitan world capital
like Raleigh. Cons: Unproven at college level. Hasn't won anything in a
long time, we don't want to be living in the past.

Phil Jackson: 8-1. Pros: Won a lot, would take the job in a second, no
doubt. Cons: pseudo-intellectualism would turn off good ol' boy fanbase.

Les Robinson: 10-1. Pros: Experience with the job. Possibly the
cleanest coach in NC State history. Cons: Possibly the cleanest coach in
NC State

history.

Terrell Owens: 11-1. Pros: well known, probably be a good recruiter
with today's young athletes. Would love to take the job. Cons: Unproven
in basketball.

Barry Bonds: 11-1. Pros: Could advise players on body-building routine.
We
would have the strongest team in the country. Cons: Too easygoing and
friendly for this tough job.

Jim Valvano Jr.: 12-1. Pros: descended from greatest coach in history
of sports, would probably inherit the winning magic that his father had.
Cons:
doesn't exist.

Everett Case: 15-1. Pros: Experience in the job. Cons: never won the
big one. We need someone who can take us to the next level, not some
retread.

Cozell McQueen: 16-1. Pros: Won it all at NC State. Cons: never
coached.
Has a weird bumpy thing on his shoulder.

Chris Washburn: 17-1. Pros: Knows all about NC State basketball. Cons:
Too
likely to get caught, not good at getting away with stuff. Might be in
jail.

Bill Gates: 18-1. Pros: No doubt he would want the job. Very successful
in his field. Experienced at putting rivals out of business. Cons: Too
geeky.

Dick Vitale: 20-1. Pros: excitable, well known. Cons: would lose to
Duke on purpose.

Digger Phelps: 20-1. Pros: well known in college basketball. Cons:
tends
to be wrong about everything.

Al Maguire: 21-1. Pros: good coach. His team stayed within 12 points of

the greatest team in the history of sports in 1974 championship game.
Cons:
New York type. Also dead.

Eddie Sutton: 22-1. Pros: willing to do whatever it takes to win. Cons:

might be a wimp once he gets out of rehab.

Norm Sloan: 23-1. Pros: won it all at NC State. Cons: hard to find the
type of sport coats he prefers these days. Another retread, unable to
win once he left the NC State program. Also dead.

Guy Lewis: 24-1. Pros: Good things happen to State when he's around.
Cons:
another dead guy.

Billy Donovan: 25-1. Pros: would obviously love to take the job. Cons:
hasn't won it all yet. Do we want to settle for him when we could have
his mentor, Pitino?

Rick Pitino: 25-1. Pros: big winner, except with Celtics. Obviously
would want the job if offered. Cons: didn't even make the NCAAs this
year, would be a step down from Sendek.

Rick Barnes: 25-1. Pros: local guy, yelled at Dean Smith. Would love to

have a shot at this job. Cons: hasn't won enough to get such a
prestigious job.

Jim Boeheim: 26-1. Pros: won a lot. Cons: glasses-wearing yankee
wouldn't fly with fanbase.

Charles Shackelford: 27-1. Pros: Natural amphibious abilities would
come in handy. Cons: might shave points.

Myron Piggie: 28-1. Pros: Our type of guy, good connections with
recruits.
Cons: no college coaching experience, might be in jail.

Drew Rosenhaus: 30-1. Pros: slick negotiator, would be a good
recruiter.
Cons: unproven as coach. Brags about players getting paid, needs to
learn to keep it quiet.

Jerry Tarkanian: 30-1. Pros: good recruiter, has experience at dealing
with our kind of players. Cons: Hasn't been caught in a while, is he
still willing to do what it takes?

Bob Staak: 35-1. Pros: ACC experience, good things happen to State when

he's coaching. Good buddy of Valvano. Cons: Valvano loved him when he
coached and recruited against NC State, not for NC State.

That Guy Arizona State Just Hired: 35-1. Pros: Most successful NC State

Coach in decades. Cons: Never won anything."