« Courage | Main | Courage II »
January 3, 2006
There is a Tool for Every Job
I have a small problem. As a corner home, we are the recipient of some kind of petty vandalism on virtually every holiday with a savage edge. Basically, the perpetrators are local wannabe Eminem-emulatin', daddy's BMW drivin', hopin' they will get into Duke, etc., punks.
Recently (for instance, this last New Years Eve) they hit us with paint balls.
Now, I know that paintball is generally harmless. It washes off easily. But I am sick of picking up after these little shits. And, more to the point, I am a small, small little man, most of whose psyche is made up by rage. But I am also a reasonable man (though admittedly not in the conventional sense): I believe in a proportional response. And, with that in mind, I think I have found just the tool for this job.
Behold:
The paintball minigun/gatling gun.
Depending on the source, she shoots up to 280 paint balls per second, with a miniumum of 100 per second. This, my dear friends, is total fire suppression a la paint ball.
And, if I can procure one before next 4th of July (the date of the next likely attack), just the tool for establishing my credibility with these little twerps. Maintaining a strict alchohol regimen (no more than 2 bottles of wine on the evening of the 4th), I will lie in wait behind my bushes and then, when that sleek BMW full of kids prowls near and fires the first paintball at my house...
Try explaining how you got 3000+ paintball hits on daddy's BMW, with 300 or so penetrating to the interior.
What do you think? It seems reasonable to me: a ten thousand-plus dollar investment in the gun, 5,000 or so paintballs, criminal fines, legal expenses and civil settlements to establish my credibility in a sense that resonates among all men of a certain maturity. And to avoid having to spend 5 minutes cleaning up paintball hits on my jeep in the wake of Labor Day.
Posted by dag at January 3, 2006 10:05 PM
Comments
Oh dear god. I MUST have this. If you can procure this by the 4th of July, there are two things that MUST happen. First, you MUST tell me where you got it from, and assist me with procuring my own, as I'll be living in Northeast DC, where we have a slight wanna-be gang population there, and this would come in quite handy. Second, it is a moral imperative that I come down for the 4th, we smoke a bunch of shit (and then put some food in the smoker :-) drink some good wine, and then go out and put the savage burn on these punks. Between the gun, the alcohol, and Daisy's (because, let's face it, Louie can't be troubled with the dirty work) slobber, they won't be bugging you anymore. Hell, the Durham police force might even try to recruit you (wouldn't THAT be ironic?)...
Posted by: The Good Rabbi at January 8, 2006 6:26 PM